Experiencing global warming? Department of Energy mandates new resource saving swim wear

The synthetic fibers used in most American swim wear increase our dependence on petroleum imports and contribute to green house gases.

C-String? More like WTF-String

Holy shit, have you seen this thing? It’s called the c-string. You know, for people who think a thong isn’t uncomfortable enough. I mean I didn’t know there was a need for a new kind of underwear, but judging by the number of websites that are selling this, I was dead wrong. Anyways, the first thought I had when I saw this was WTF, but then I had like 15 other thoughts too. Here goes:
1. Ummm, c-string? STRING? Where the hell is the string? All I see is a flexible rod that goes between your ass cheeks.
Screen shot 2013-06-17 at 9.18.36 PM
2. Really if you think about it, the point of underwear is not to cover you up. That’s what clothes are for. It’s to catch anything that falls/oozes/streaks/leaks out. And this c-string ain’t catching shit.
3. You know you’d buy it and then turn around and your daughter would be fishing it out of the hamper to use it as a headband. Agggghhhh, nooo, don’t put that on your head, my vajayjay was just straddling it!
Screen shot 2013-06-17 at 9.04.03 PM
4. God, why have I been such a bitch all day?! Oh I forgot, I have a stick up my ass. Let me take off my underwear.
5. Wait, where are you supposed to put your maxi pad?
6. WOMAN: OMG, I hate when my socks are too tight and they leave that indentation around my ankles.
FRIEND: I know, like when your c-string is too tight and it leaves an indentation on your FUPA.
WOMAN: Ummm yeahhh, that’s not the same thing at all.
7. Awwww shit, isn’t this what always happens? Two days after Father’s Day I find the perfect gift.
Screen shot 2013-06-17 at 2.29.34 PM
8. Nothing says “I like anal” like wearing a rod up your ass all day.
9. One size fits all taints.
10. Nurse: The doctor will be right in. Just take off everything except your underwear.
ME: Ummm, yeah, I think I’m gonna take that off to.
11. Hells yeah, this is awesome, I have like ZERO panty lines whatsoever. Of course you might see the outline of a giant pencil going up my ass, but what’re you gonna do.
12. Instructions for the male c-string:
A. Tuck your peeper into the sock
B. Wrap the rod around your taint
C. Pretend you like you have a Slim Jim in your butt cheeks
D. Clench and go.
Screen shot 2013-06-17 at 9.05.31 PM
13. Think about it. There is no sexy way to put this thing on or take it off. Or wait, can you put it on like one of those slap bracelets? ‘Cause that’d be kind of a nifty trick.
14. Arrrggh, ahoy matey, is that an eye patch on your vagina? Makes me want to pilfer you even more.
Screen shot 2013-06-17 at 9.04.35 PM
15. To all the poopie trolls out there who want to make some a-hole comment on this. You know we’re gonna just assume you’re wearing a c-string and that’s why you have a stick up your ass. So be my guest. Comment away.
If you think this is funny, join my facebook page where I post all sorts of funny shit, you know, when I’m not busy changing poopie diapers.
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